


love lost

by sofsomi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Romance, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, basically chenle is jo and jisung is laurie, bickering and lots of it, but don't worry there's a happy ending, heavily influenced with greta gerwig's little women scene where laurie finally confesses to jo, i know it's historically incorrect but think of dreamies wearing 1800s fashion, little women au, lots of overthinking by chenle, yes they would look so handsome!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:48:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24534889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sofsomi/pseuds/sofsomi
Summary: "and you said to me, you said we'll be alright."or, that one time jisung confesses to chenle.
Relationships: Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 10
Kudos: 44





	love lost

Chenle and Jisung walk up on a hill, overlooking the town as they gaze at the little houses, the ever-changing colors of the trees and leaves below them.

Change _is_ constant. That’s how ironic it is; how change doesn’t _change_ and it moves on and on. "This is just brilliant, Ji. Renjun just married, looked disgustingly happy. Jaemin, Jeno and Donghyuck are off to study abroad; even Minhyung found a job that would keep him busy." He looks at Jisung like he hasn't looked at him before. "And you, my best friend — have just graduated and you'll be off on a long holiday. While I'll be here, angry and restless."

He doesn’t like change, he wants things to remain the same. He wants to have plays written by himself and all of them would play their parts – as a fairy, as a wizard, as a dragon or as a prince. He wants to have peaceful days at the beach, where Jeno would obnoxiously cartwheel or Donghyuck would pull everyone into the water. He wants to roll on the grass and everyone would make a fool out of themselves and Jisung and Jaemin would laugh uncontrollably and Minhyung would nag them for bringing him into the mess, even though he loved them nonetheless.

But it seems, everyone is leaving – except for him. He’ll have to stay.

“You don’t have to stay here, Chenle. You know that, right?” Jisung asks, as he follows Chenle’s swift steps up on the hill, where they used to have garden parties of their own and everything was fine and peachy in their little world.

The boy, who is supposed to be younger than Chenle, is taller and lankier so he slouched. Listening to the latter’s woes, Jisung’s boyish jet-black hair cover the sad look in his eyes, knowing well enough how they’re all growing up too fast, leaving each other in the end even though they promised they’d be there for each forever.

“Why? Should we run off and join a pirate ship?” Chenle jokes, as he turns around with a forced smile but the minute he does, he sees Jisung – who looks awfully unhappy for someone that would have the chance to travel the world.

Jisung has his hands inside his pockets, he’s hunched and he shakes his head in disbelief. As the boy’s best friend, Chenle knows him better than anyone. So, he knows. He knows that Jisung has something to say. But more than that, he knows that he’s afraid to listen.

“No.” Chenle says, He doesn’t want to believe what is actually happening right in front of him. For years, he turns a blind eye. But now, he’s unsure if he can. And, he’s uncertain if Jisung will stop and wait, like he always does. “Don’t, Jisung.” He pleads.

Jisung’s eyes well up in a matter of seconds and Chenle finds himself walking away, afraid to actually face him. “Chenle, we have to talk about it.”

“No, Jisung.”

“Chenle, I have loved you ever since I’ve known you. I couldn’t help it. I tried to show and you wouldn’t let me, which is fine. But I must make you hear now and give me an answer because I can’t go on like this anymore.” His voice is cracking, he’s breaking right in front of Chenle and it hurts. It hurts to see him like this.

“Ji, please don’t. Don’t.”

He’s not petrified because he doesn’t feel the same way. He does. He loves Jisung more than anything or anyone in the world and it’s terrifying. But what’s more terrifying is that he knows how no one will accept them or they would have to hide their love for the rest of their lives. Chenle doesn’t want that. He knows Jisung deserves to be adored, deserves to be loved and he’s not sure if he’s the right person to be with him.

“It’s fine, Chenle. It really is. I waited, and I never complained because I –!” He pauses as wipes his tears with his sleeves. “I figured you’d love me, Chenle.”

Chenle closes his eyes. It's so difficult to see him this way. To see Jisung go through this because of him, he’s scared. He really is.

Jisung continues, “And I realize I’m not half good enough and I know I’m not this great man – “

“Listen to me, Ji. You are. You’re a great man, too good for me.” He tells him off, holding his shoulder, looking into his eyes like his life depends on it, but Jisung refuses. “I’m so grateful to you and I’m so proud of you, and I just – I don’t see why I can’t love you as much as you want me to. I don’t know why.” Chenle’s voice cracks, knowing how much he is a bad liar.

Jisung is close, too close and he’s hovering over Chenle and their breaths mingle together and he looks right at Chenle’s eyes, those dark eyes filled with agonizing pain. “You can’t?” He whispers.

“No, I can’t. I can’t change how I feel. I’m so sorry, Jisung. I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”

Jisung lets out a shaky breath as he turns his back on Chenle, can’t believe with what he’s hearing. “I can’t love anyone else, Chenle. I only love you.”

“It would be a disaster if we’re together, Ji.”

“It wouldn’t be a disaster.”

“We’d be miserable together!”

“No, that’s not how it’s going to be, Chenle!”

“I can’t! I can’t and I’ve tried and I failed. We just can’t!” He’s tired. He’s so tired. He doesn’t want to keep lying to Jisung. He doesn’t want to.

If only the world is far kinder, far more wonderful than it is – he’d say yes. He’d say yes and embrace Jisung, and they would be in the next ship to travel the world. But, that’s not the world they live in. It's cruel and everyone they love will most likely turn their backs on them.

“Then why is it clear as day for our friends while you sit there, pretending to be blind? Why are you saying this?” He pauses, “Please, say yes. Let’s be happy together, Chenle!” Their faces are close again. Jisung has never been this close and Chenle’s heart is going to break into pieces.

Jisung’s tears trickle down his cheeks and he’s so afraid. He’s slowly losing Jisung. Just because he’s afraid of the world what it would do to them, what it would do to Jisung. It’s not because he can’t love him the way the younger boy does. Jisung doesn’t deserve that. He deserves to be happy. Chenle can’t give him that and he’s sorry. He’s so sorry.

“I can’t say yes truly, so I’m not going to say it at all. Eventually, you’ll see that I’m right and you’ll thank me for it.”

Jisung sighs and starts to walk away again, “Why are you saying this?” He asks again, a whisper too soft, but Chenle hears him well enough.

“Ji, listen to me. You’ll find someone, who will love you and who will make you the happiest man alive and I wouldn’t.” He holds onto Jisung’s arm, but Jisung shakes him off too easily. He’s losing him.

“You would, Chenle. You’d make me the happiest man alive.”

“No, I mean, look at me! I’m awkward and I’m strange and you’d be ashamed of me. We would bicker all the time, Ji. Even now, we can’t help it.” Chenle scoffs, “I’d hate elegant society and you’d hate my scribbling, and we would be unhappy. We wished we hadn’t done it and everything will be horrid.”

Lies. They're all lies.

He's surprised Jisung hasn't noticed it. He hasn't noticed his habits when he lies, how his hand shakes, how his ears are red or how he stutters every now and then. Jisung must be clouded with pain. He doesn't blame him. He really can't.

They’re silent. This is their reality.

He has to push Jisung away. In order for Jisung to be happy, he has to.

“Is there anymore?” Jisung’s quiet.

“No, nothing more.”

“All right.”

“Except that – “

Jisung stops and turns to meet Chenle’s eyes, sunken and puffy.

“Ji, I don’t believe I’ll ever love. I’m happy as I am and I love my liberty too well to be in a hurry to give it up.”

“I think you’re wrong, Chenle.”

“No, I’m not.”

“I think you’re wrong. I think you’ll find someone and love them. And you will live and die for them because that’s your way, and you will.”

Jisung sighs, “And I’ll watch.”

He walks away. He walks away from Chenle’s life.

* * *

“Chenle? Chenle, wake up.”

He wakes up slowly and thought he’s still in a dream as he sees Jisung right in front of him.

Chenle jolts as he forces himself to wake, blinking repeatedly, just to make sure if Jisung is indeed real. He smiles as he holds Jisung’s face in his hands, lovingly touches his ears, his nose, his lips – yes, the boy is real. Well, maybe he’s not a boy anymore.

He’s grown and has a mature air around him, unlike their last meeting where they were angry and hurt. Both of them had changed. They're different now.

But one thing’s for sure, Jisung is still ticklish as he giggles while Chenle’s hands cupped his face. “Nice to see you too.” He whispers, knows how much Chenle dislikes it when he hears something too loud first thing he wakes up.

“Oh, and I thought I was still dreaming.” Chenle sighs in relief as he gathers Jisung in an embrace. “I’ve missed you so much, Ji.”

Jisung embraces him back, as tightly as he can. “I’ve missed you too, Chenle.”

He doesn’t know what came over him, but he remembers the day on the hill and his tears start to descend. After years of being apart, Jisung’s finally back in his arms. He remembers the sadness he felt when Jisung left and how much he regrets the lies he told the latter. Just because he was afraid of the world, and how everyone would treat them if they would be together.

But in the end, nothing matters anymore.

What matters is Jisung, and he’s right in front of him, and he’s beautiful and wonderful and even though he changed, he’s still him.

Even after Jisung’s departure, they stayed as friends, exchanged letters because they couldn’t go on a week without each other. After three years have gone by, their love for each other stayed the same and he doesn’t want to let Jisung go anymore. Not like last time.

He pulls Jisung away, wiping his tears as he tries not to look at his best friend.

"How was your trip on your way back?"

Jisung chuckles as he helps Chenle wipe his tears away, "Could've been better. But, I'm glad I'm here."

Chenle beams. "I'm glad you’re here, too."

He has so much to say to Jisung. And, he knows. He knows that Jisung will listen. Now, they all have the time in the world.

They’re going to be okay. Even if things are uncertain, they will be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> hello! it was painful, amirite? :0 but at least there was a happy ending? :D anyway, like i said with my tags - this fic is heavily inspired by greta gerwig's little women (2019) film, the specific scene wherein laurie finally confessed to jo. i wrote a lot of their dialogue word-for-word but i made sure to change it up a bit, especially with some of the different circumstances. i hope you could give that film a watch, it's one of a kind!
> 
> anyway, spoiler alert - jo and laurie are best friends and laurie developed feelings for her only, jo only saw laurie as her best friend and never really loved laurie. in my fic, chenle did love jisung. but, since he suffered internalized homophobia, he lied that he didn't. so, when they met again everything just came back and thankfully, they're okay. (the title is from the song "love lost" by the temper trap and the summary is from the song "be alright" by lucy rose, both songs which i used to help me as i wrote)
> 
> i know these are trying times we live in and it has been so scary and so difficult lately. i pray for the safety of each and every one of us who continuously suffer from the pandemic and even the hands of the corrupt government who silence us but that will not stop us. let's not be afraid, we will get through this together and justice will prevail in the end. you're not alone. educate yourselves, help by donating or signing petitions and spread awareness however you can. God said "vengeance is mine" and so it shall be.
> 
> here are some carrds that are quite informative and helpful for everyone, so please take a look - again, sign petitions, donate and spread awareness! please read on [black lives matter, ](http://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co)[junk terror bill](http://junkterrorbill.carrd.co) and [and other issues in the philippines!](http://parasapinas.carrd.co)
> 
> let's be strong and brave. please take care and always stay safe!  
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/haechios) | [carrd](http://dream-run.carrd.co)


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